


As Told By Shepard

by fallenangel8794



Series: From Past to Present [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 13:16:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4921072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenangel8794/pseuds/fallenangel8794
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Renegone Shepard falls for the super controlled biotic stationed outside her room. She recounts her time on the SR-1 in her final moments after the Battle of the Citadel (ME3). Multi-part story, spanning all three games and the time in between each one. Rated mature for language (a lot...).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction/Author's Notes

Hello all and welcome to my first Kaiden/Shep fic. A few things to know:

1\. I know he's not super popular after his wig out on Horizon. I aim to put that in a different light.

2\. He was my first romance when I started playing this series (years ago) so he's near and dear to me for that reason, but Garrus is my favorite (I distinctly remember asking if I could romance him instead...)

3\. My best friend inspired me to write this after her first play through the game. Special shout out to her for pushing me as a writer to try something new. You're awesome :)  ('cause I know you're reading this haha)

4\. I've never written anything quite like this before and I have to say, I love the way it turned out. I can't wait to finish all three games with Adaleigh Shepard giving her two cents every so often.

5\. There's a lot of swearing in this fic. You can't avoid it. You've been warned...

6\. So, without further ado, here it is, folks!

 

Thanks for reading :)


	2. Finding Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins! Here, we find the dear commander. But where? And how?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything in BOLD is a direct quote from Adaleigh, as if she is talking directly to you in the present moment instead of reliving the past. There's only so much I can do with the formatting on here, so bear with me....

> **They said I couldn’t make it this far, that no one could. I wish they had been right, God do I ever wish they had been right. Who are ‘they’? Oh, everyone from the past five years; that being the Council, the reapers, the general public. Why do I wish they had been right? Well, because, for all my running and gunning and fighting and dying, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here. Where is ‘here’, you ask? Heh, why don’t you sit for a while and listen to a tired old soldier’s story. What was that? Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m dying. Now, you stop that. It’s about damn time I keeled over, so let me say what I need to say so I can die in peace and all that bull shit. Let’s go back to where this whole mess started, shall we?**

 

2183, Alliance Military

“This is really the best colony we have?” Commander Shepard muttered under her breadth as she marched forward. Eden Prime didn’t really seem all that special. It looked just like every other over-hyped, underfunded colony world she’d been on during her military career. Sure, it was pretty and it appeared to be mostly self-sufficient, but it was too idyllic. It was just begging to be attacked, honestly. Shepard gritted her teeth against the buzzing in the back of her skull. Her implant was kindly reminding her that it was indeed there and ready to be used. Jenkins drew her attention to a gas bag and she wasted no time in throwing it backwards, causing it to explode. She breathed a tight sigh of relief as the buzzing subsided. As a biotic, she had gone through rigorous training to master her abilities, but it often seemed like her implant ruled her life, telling her when she was allowed to use her biotics and when she couldn’t. Lieutenant Alekno didn’t seem to suffer the same ill effects. Lucky bastard.

With Jenkins dead, Ashley Williams leading them to the dig site and a host of geth converging on them, Shepard decided she really hated this colony. If she never came back, that would be just fine. Finding Nihlus dead by Saren’s hand was just the icing on the cake. At least he wouldn’t be following her around anymore. By the time they found the beacon, Shepard was grinding her teeth again. She was over the geth and the specters and backstabbing humans.

Ashely pulled her aside after she had radioed the _Normandy_. “Thanks for the help back there, Commander.”

“We all have to stick together, Chief.”

“Right, ma’am. Permission to speak freely.”

“Granted.”

“Since my unit is gone,” she grimaced, guilt contorting her battle hardened countenance, “I was wondering if there was space-” she was cut off by Shepard pushing past her and bolting to the lieutenant. Something was pulling him toward the beacon.

Shepard grabbed him and tried to move away, only to feel herself being dragged right along with him. Mustering her strength, she spun and used the momentum to hurl him away from the invisible current. As she tried to regain her footing, she was lifted into the air, the beacon holding her hostage while it poured a thousand images into her head. When at last they were subsided at last, she felt herself make hard contact with the ground.

“Commander! Commander Shepard?”

She didn’t know who was yelling, but she wished they would shut the hell up. As the world faded to black, Shepard was bombarded with hallucinations.

_Strange, robotic fingers appear out of a broken sky, dropping slime covered synthetic monstrosities onto the debris covered ground. They come slinking forward, headless of the energy blasts tearing them down in droves. Aliens run about, some shouting and pointing, others shooting and a few being overcome by the synthetics. The rubble on the ground clearly used to be splendid buildings, miles high and pristine. Centuries of conflict have reduced the once proud city to crumbling ruins. Refugees scuttle between the wreckage, hoping to avoid the mutilated organic-synthetic hybrids. They are dragged out of hiding and killed, or turned into husks themselves. The entire world is a haze of smoke and fire and death, perpetuating an endless cycle of destruction. There are screams, the screams of the damned, of the hopeless and dying and they fill the space left by the shattering earth._

“Doctor? Doctor Chakwas, I think she’s waking up.”

Son of a fat bitch.

“How do you feel, Commander?”

“Eh, minor throbbing.” Shepard answered in an effort to calm the earthquake raging in her skull. “What happened to the beacon?”

“It was destroyed. It was my fault, Commander. I must have set off a security field when I got too close.” Alenko responded dutifully.

She admired a solider that would own his actions, both good and bad, so she swallowed the caustic response she had ready and said instead, “It’s alright. You had no way to know what would happen.”

The lieutenant smiled, a small curve of the left side of his lips. Shepard nodded before looking to Captain Anderson as he made his way to the bed. Alenko and the doctor left and she laid her frustrations out to the Captain as she paced in the med bay. After her rant and subsequent agreement to see the Council, he released her from medical leave and sent her on her way. Head still throbbing, she made her way into the mess hall, where she found Lieutenant Alenko and Gunnery Chief Williams. She took a minute to do an obligatory check in with them before going to the ops deck to watch their approach to the Citadel. Even hard ass Shepard was awestruck at the majesty of the Citadel and all it held. The Council, on the other hand, was another story entirely.

 

> ** Now, let me tell you, they were a pain in my ass from the start. If I could have, I would have shot them right then and there, arrogant ass-hats. But I didn’t and I spent the next few days running my happy ass all over the damn Citadel looking for all the little pieces of the puzzle to prove how much of a jackass Saren was. That’s how I met Garrus Vakarian, Tali’Zorah and Urdnot Wrex. If you would have told me that those aliens would be my most steadfast friends and supporters, I would have called you bat shit crazy and meant it. Well, them and Liara, but she hadn’t joined us at this point. But, anyway, we showed them exactly how bad Saren was and, surprise, they revoked his Specter status and granted me my own. About fucking time. Now, this is where the real fun starts. **


	3. No Point to the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything in BOLD AND ITALICS is an action Adaleigh is preforming while talking to you in the present.

The _Normandy_ took off on its first voyage as a Specter vessel. Shepard stood silently at the helm with Joker and watched the stars flying past.

“Do, you, uh, need something, Commander?” He asked.

“Not at the moment, Flight Lieutenant.”

“Then can I ask why you’re standing over my shoulder?”

“In all honesty, I just like looking at the stars. I always have. That means that I’ll be seeing you up here a lot. That won’t be a problem, will it?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Very good.” She turned and walked away to inspect her ship.

After an hour long inspection, she found only three things of note, and they were minor. Glancing up from her data pad, she noticed Tali poking around the drive core.

“What are you doing?”

The quarian jumped and spun to face the commander. “N-nothing! Just admiring your ship.”

“You like ships?”

“Y-yes.”

“I never knew that. Why?”

Tali and Shepard talked about the quarian culture and lifestyle and love of ships. The commander peppered Tali with questions until she had no more information left to offer.

“Well, thanks for the talk.” Shepard said as she took her leave. Taking a deep breath, Tali tried to stop her hands from shaking. The severe commander always intimidated her.

On her way out, Shepard noticed Garrus working on the Mako. Scowling, she approached him.

“Messing with my Mako?”

“Uh, Commander. I’m not messing with it, just checking to see if it’s up to specs. It looks good.”

Shepard narrowed her eyes at the turian. “I am notoriously hard on ground vehicles. I figure that if we can drop them for orbit, they can handle a few cliffs planet side. But, of course, that’s never how it works.”

Garrus laughed nervously.

“I also have a tendency to use them as battering rams when the gun overheats. I don’t drive these things to their specs. Do you think you can maintain it to mine?”

“If you lay out your specs for me, I will, Commander.”

She grinned, “Good man. Er, turian.”

“Right, Commander.”

She noticed Wrex in the corner and greeted him, “Wrex.”

“Shepard.” He responded in kind.

She nodded at the krogan and he returned the gesture before leaning against the wall. So far, Wrex was her favorite. He didn’t need a lot of chatter to feel like he was part of the crew. Give him a gun and something to shoot with it and he’s happy. That kind of mindset is one she could agree with. No need for all this talk and one sided Q & A. Chief Williams was the same way, except she had a thing for poetry, not that it bothered Shepard much as long as she didn’t try to put on a dinner show or anything. Lieutenant Alenko was one she couldn’t peg down. He seemed to come from the heart, but there was something dark about him, something he played close to the vest. And until she figured him out, she wouldn’t leave him alone. Maybe she’d pick at him more when they got back from Therum.

 

 

> **Okay, so Therum was fun. There were a shit ton of geth and I got to use the big cannon on the Mako a lot. We even got use a fucking mining laser! It was a blast. Heh. See what I did there? Anyway, Liara was nice enough I suppose. But she was so bookish, so stuck in the past. I just didn’t get her. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t have ended up here. Or maybe I would have. Who really fucking knows? Ain’t death a bitch?**

 

“But why are you fucking so into history? Why is the past so damn fascinating to you?”

“How can you so easily discount it? The past is the path we take to become who we are!”

“It’s called the past for a damn good reason, Liara. It’s over and done with. The lessons we learned have either served us or they haven’t and there’s nothing we can do about it anymore.”

“Were you alive 60,000 years ago?”

“Obviously not.”

“Then there is no way you could know what went on all those years ago unless you study the past.”

“Why the hell does it matter what aliens from centuries ago did?”

“It matters because we live on what they left behind.”

“I just don’t fucking get it.”

“And I do not understand your apathy.”

Shepard huffed and strode out of the back room and into the med bay. The doctor stood as protocol demanded she did and nodded to the commander on her way out. Liara emerged not long after she had left.

“Is the commander always so abrasive?”

“She was brought up in a military family.” Doctor Chakwas answered, “Dealing with people whose views differ from hers is not her strong suit. From what I understand, her parents were of a singular mindset and the commander knows nothing else. I don’t believe she does it to be ‘abrasive’ or even rude. She’s just figuring out how to manage herself with people who aren’t programmed like she is.”

“I see.”

Shepard stomped past Alenko on her way to her quarters.

“Getting along well with Liara?” He asked.

“Between ‘embracing eternity’ and her obsession with the past, I’m going to say no, not so much. Why? Am I making obvious?”

“Only a little.”

She groaned. “I’ll be in my room until it’s not so obvious.”

 

 

> **I know, I know, I was a short sighted thick headed twat. I just really didn’t understand the goddamn appeal of the past. You can bet your ass I do now, after everything that’s happened. After I died, who I was became all I had and that really fucked with me. Anyway, after my little chat with my favorite prothean expert, we went on a lot of little one-shot missions. See, that’s what those of us in the military called investigating anomalies on far away planets. Usually, we get to the planet and find out that the ‘anomaly’ has guns and doesn’t want us there. Occasionally, it has unique salvage or ore deposits. So, like I said, we went a shit ton of those missions and it gave me the release I needed.**
> 
> **_-Shepard flinches, catching her breadth in her throat. She turns to you, squinting against the pain-_ Son of bitch, I fucking hurt right about now. Got any medi-gel? No? Well then, what good are you? What? Do I want you to leave? No, I want you to sit your happy ass down and listen.**


	4. Getting to Know the Implants

“We did have a little circle that would get together every night, though, before lights out.” Alenko continued.

Shepard watched him in the dim light, gold flecks in his brown eyes reflecting the light back at her like a thousand tiny suns. She smiled, asked him about Rannah. His voice softened when he talked about her, even when the corners of his mouth turned down. So, this other girl was linked to the little cloud that hovered over the lieutenant. When she pressed, he retreated.

“I’ve taken up enough of your time, Commander.”

“Alright.”

“Uh, Commander?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you make a habit out of getting this personal with all your officers?”

“No, no I don’t.”

“I’ll, uh, need some time to process that, Commander.”

She smiled at him before wandering away to check in with the rest of the crew. Wrex felt like sharing a story from his mercenary days, which Shepard liked much better than his talk of the genophage and Ashley voiced her opinion of aliens having free reign of the ship. Garrus and Tali both spoke of their fathers and life before they joined Shepard’s crew.

At first, she hated having to take time away from her other duties to make sure everyone was dealing with life appropriately. As far as she was concerned, they were all adults and they could come to her if they had a problem. She wasn’t their babysitter. She was the commander and she had better things to do than play Mom on her own damn ship. But now, after months on board, she almost looked forward to their chats, as if it was a type of decompress from everything that happened, a way to keep them all connected while they were off chasing shadows. And she had noticed that they had started to mill about more and interact with each other of their own accord. They had started this as strangers with a common goal locked inside a spaceship, but now they were almost friends willing to take a hit for each other. Maybe that’s why Anderson had told her to do it.

Shepard contemplated all of this for a while as she sat at her desk and attempted to fill out the reports for the Alliance missions Admiral Hackett had kicked her way. They were tedious and she was grateful that being a Specter required little such paperwork. Stifling a yawn, she figured it was time for some rest before they touched down on Feros.

 

* * *

 

“Remember how I said I hated Eden Prime?” Shepard asked as she flinched back from a bullet grazing the cement pillion she was leaning against.

“Of course.” Tali responded as she took out a creeper.

“I was wrong. I fucking hate Feros. I only dislike Eden Prime.”

“Then I’ll put it on the list of possible vacation spots for our next crew wide shore leave,” Kaiden said.

“Don’t you dare.”

As the last of the Thorian creepers fell, so did the Thorian.

“Good fucking riddance.” The wet sound of a cocoon cracking open drew their attention to the wall. “Oh, now what?” Shepard hissed.

An asari emerged from the shell and, after a moment, began to explain what Saren was after. The way she spoke of the Thorian made Shepard uncomfortable, but the commander dutifully held her tongue until she could get her hands on whatever it was Saren had come looking for.

“There is only one way for me to give you the Cipher,” the asari said.

“If I have to embrace eternity again, I swear…”

“I see you have done this before.”

“Yeah, and I don’t much like the feeling of someone else poking around my head.”

“I will be gentle.” And with that, Shepard once again opened herself to the universe. More images came pouring into her head and meshed with what was already there, moving so fast the commander couldn’t make sense of it.

“You okay there, Shepard? You look pale.”

“I am sorry if I have caused any discomfort, but there was no other way.”

Shepard just nodded, trying in vain to shove the new information to the back of her mind so she could focus on the mission.

“I think we should get you back to the ship,” Kaiden said as he grabbed her arm.

“Yeah, okay.”

Tali walked ahead with her shotgun at the ready, prepared to defend her commander from any remaining geth or creepers. Kaiden pulled Shepard’s arm across his shoulders and supported her with one arm firmly around her waist. She could walk of her own accord, but seemed to have no concept of where she was going, so he gently led her back to the ship.

 

> **Feros pissed me off. I know better than anyone that you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet, but what Exogeni did was more than breaking some eggs. This is exactly why I don’t like bookish types. They get so into their research and data and tests that they forget about the real, living people that are on the other end of it all. And, of course, I had to let my fucking bleeding heart cloud my judgement and save the damn colony. I think they would have been better off dead after what I saw in those tunnels. Though, I have developed a new appreciation for salad, even if it isn’t made of Thorian. It’s my own little piece of revenge against that fucking plant. The damn thing really thought it was some sort of god. I get that it was old, but really, not every wrinkly old thing has divine rights just because it’s been alive longer. And then the Cipher. Holy fucking hell, ow! You could have told me that all I would had to do to stop the reapers was do that again and I would have picked this a thousand times over. Having that fucker drilled into my skull was worse than getting spaced. It was useful, sure, but hot damn I had a headache for days.**

 

Well, it finally came out. Kaiden’s deep dark secret. So he killed a guy, big deal. They killed dozens with every trip they made planet side. Then why was it so bad? Because he didn’t want to kill him. He wanted to stand up for himself and the girl he loved, to free them from their oppressor. But he lost control and went too far. Double whammy. He lost control of himself and because of that, lost the girl he loved. That explained a lot about him, Shepard mused, why he was always so reserved, so down to earth. And it also explained why he found her so appealing. She was a solar flare in the cosmic wind, unpredictable and dangerous. But for all her daring, she was not endangered. He never felt the need to protect her, because by doing so he would stand in her way. Of course, she would never allow him to stand behind her, lest he get left behind. No, he would stand next to her, fighting with her against their foes to save the galaxy.

“You know, Shepard, I’m glad you’ll be here when this is all over. I can’t wait for some shore leave.”

“We’ll have to pick one hell of a vacation spot.”

“Right,” he laughed.

See, that’s the problem with trying to pick people apart. You can find exactly what you’re looking for, or you could find something entirely different. Shepard had dug up his hurt and exposed it to the light of day, but at the cost of investing herself in him. She never stopped to think what would have happened if it was something she disliked and then the process of having to distance herself from him because of it. It had been the same with everyone in her crew; they all had a secret that she now knew. But no one knew hers. And she wondered what Kaiden would think if he ever found out what she was hiding.

Dark thoughts haunting her, Shepard disappeared into the cockpit to watch the stars. Joker nodded to her as she took her usual seat and stared listlessly out the window. Feeling the need to fidget, she took her raven hair out of its regulation bun and began to braid it and unbraid it, again and again until her restless energy subsided. She found her emerald eyes in the reflection of the glass and scoffed. She looked like absolute hell. Maybe it was time for bed…

Shepard tossed and turned, the images from the beacon banging on the walls of her skull and demanding to be let out. With a frustrated groan, she kicked the sheets back and wandered into the mess hall. The ship was quiet, most of the crew having turned in for the night cycle. That suited the commander just fine.

“Shepard?”

Shepard jumped.

“Sorry.” Kaiden laughed.

“Why the hell are you awake? You’re not on the night crew.”

“Headache.”

“Oh, right. The L2 implant. Do you need anything?”

“No, this one is relatively minor. It’ll pass.”

She nodded. “So what causes the headaches?”

He shrugged, “Anything, really. Not using it enough, using it too much, sleeping on it wrong, not sleeping enough, alcohol, skipping meals.”

“Breathing?”

“Only sometimes.”

“Lucky you.”

“What about you, any side effects from your fancy L3?”

Instinctively, Shepard touched the back of her head. “Some. But mine are fewer and father between than yours. Basically, mine gets really pissy if I sit still for too long and don’t use it. I get a lot of energy build up which could overload the amp if I don’t discharge it.”

“So that’s why you’re off the ship so much.”

“I have learned how to manage it effectively.”

“Is that what the psych eval said?”

“Good guess.”

“Does it happen all at once?”

“Luckily, no. It’s a slow build up that I can control if I recognize the signs.”

“This doesn’t seem like a common problem with L3s.”

“It’s not. I’m ‘special’.” Shepard rolled her eyes.

“That you are, Shepard, that you are.”

She smiled at him from across the table. When in the bloody hell did she get so comfortable with him?

“So,” he said after a moment of silence, “why are you roaming the ship so late?”

“That damn Cipher fucked with my head. It’s like the visions know I can understand them now and they’re trying to bash their way out of my brain.”

“What do they say?”

“It’s a warning of some kind. It’s a desperate, last ditch effort to send a message to…someone. I can’t tell who. But whoever sent it was trying to call them somewhere. I'll be damned if I could tell where. There were no reapers there but there wasn’t much of anything else really. They knew they wouldn’t survive there for long, but they were trying to finish something or do something. I don’t know. There’s a hole in the information, a big missing piece.”

“Sounds rough.”

“The worst part is the feelings.”

“What?”

“I can feel everything they did. The fear, the desperation, the anguish, the helplessness. It’s imprinted just like the actual images. That fucking sucks.”

“How do you handle it?”

“Not sleeping,” she smirked. “They calm down after a while. It’s like they just want to remind me that they’re still in there, floating around, waiting for me to do something about it.”

“You are doing something, though. You’re doing everything you can.”

“Yeah, tell them that.”

“Liara was right. You’re a strong woman to have those things trapped in your head and still continue on as if there’s nothing there.”

“Naw, not strong. Just stubborn as hell. I’ll be damned if I let some freaky images from the past control me now.”

“Whatever you say, Shepard.”

The commander yawned into her hand. “Well, I might try to get some shut eye before we get to Noveria. You should, too. You’ll be on the ground team.”

“You don’t sound so eager to get there.”

“It’s a frozen rock covered with corporate executives. Why in the blue hell would I be eager to get there?”

“Oh, right. You don’t like the cold.”

“No, I don’t mind cold I can be in without my armor. It’s the idea of my sweat freezing to the inside of my gear that I don’t like.”

“I see. Well, good night, Shepard.”

“Sweet dreams, Kaiden.”

Instead of her darkened quarters, Shepard once again sought out the refuge of the cockpit and its view of the stars.

“Welcome back,” Joker said as she plopped back in her favorite chair.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she said by way of explanation.

He nodded and they sat in silence, each lost in thought. Shepard nodded off in the stiff copilot chair, the bright balls of light streaking past the window and the soft hum of the navigation system lulling her into a deep sleep. She started awake some time later, cringing when she moved her aching neck.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Joker teased.

Shepard huffed at him and straightened her uniform. “ETA?” She asked, still groggy.

“Forty five minutes, Commander.”

“Wonderful. I’ll go brief the crew.” She stood to leave, “And, Joker?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s just keep this between us.”

“You got it, Commander.”

She nodded and paged the crew using the intercom in the cockpit and directed them to the com room for the mission brief.

Once everyone had gathered, she pulled up the mission specs for their latest venture. “Alright, so this is Noveria. It’s covered in snow, ice, hoity-toity business execs and generally everything I hate, so I want to be on and off this godforsaken rock as fast as possible, is that clear?”

A chorus of “Yes, ma’am” came from her assembled crew.

“Very good. For this particular mission, I’m going to stick with a human ground crew to minimize our overall impact. However, I do enjoy fucking with people so I want the rest of you suited up and ready in case I change my mind. Until then, Liara, I want you on the coms when we reach your mother. It won’t be easy, but anything you can tell us to give us an edge will be helpful. Garrus, you’re going to be in charge of the secondary ground team should it be needed. Wrex, you’re my heavy hitter. Whatever needs to be hit hard is your problem. And Tali, I want you scanning for any signs of active geth and their locations. Everyone got it?”

They all stated their assent and Shepard left to get suited up herself. Her armor was not flashy, being a muted camouflage pattern and lightly reinforced. She slid her favorite pistol into its holster and snapped the other guns to her back. She hated carrying all the extra weight since she never once had the inclination to use anything besides a pistol and her biotics, but regs were regs and she was still an Alliance marine, even if she did have the added bonus of Specter status. Pulling her helmet into place, she went to meet her crew at the airlock.


	5. What Changes Us

> **Now let me tell you, I fucking hated that frozen rock. I swear, if I could go back I would fucking laser paint it “Reapers, attack here first!” and use the flames of its destruction to make enough popcorn and burgers to fucking end world hunger. God that place was shitty. Between the cold and the corporations, you were just screwed no matter what you did. Ashley was getting all hot under the collar about the blatant disregard for basic rules and Kaiden, well, he just kinda took it simmering. I really just let my gun do the talking after a while because I couldn’t be bothered to waste my breadth. But something happened on that twice damned iceberg. Something I’ll never forget…**

 

“I hate this fucking planet.”

“Hoo-raw to that, Commander,” Ashley responded.

“I have snow in my boots,” Kaiden said despondently as he shook his feet.

Shepard rubbed the back of her neck irritably. It had been killing her since she woke up in the cockpit hours ago. She gritted her teeth and motioned her crew onward, eager as they all were to be done with this planet.

By this point, Benezia and her minions had been dispatched and all that was left was the damned rachni. Wrex would be happy to hear that she had fried that big fucker in a vat of acid. But somewhere, deep down where she didn’t look often, was a shred of guilt over damning an entire species to death. She figured that it was something she could examine more closely one drunken night down the road.

All they had left to do was start the neutron purge and they were home free. Shepard dug through the dead scientist’s pockets until she found a cracked data pad with the activation code on it.

“Now to just plug this baby in and get the hell out of here.”

“Do you know what will happen when you input that code, Commander?” Kaiden asked.

“I know it’ll kill all the big bugs. Good enough for me.”

“I’m with the Commander on this one, LT.”

“I’m just saying that they’ll probably try to defend themselves like any creature would do. We should be ready.”

“We just took down a full squad of asari commandos and you’re worried about bugs?” Shepard teased.

“They are really big bugs, ma’am.” Kaiden said with a smirk.

“Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“You know that, because you asked, you’re going to find out?”

“That’s half the fun.”

“Only half?”

“The other half is living to tell about it.”

Absent mindedly kneading the back of her neck, she gave Mira the neutron purge activation code. Not five seconds later, they were swarmed with hundreds of rachni.

“Son of a bitch!”

“You just had to ask, didn’t you, Commander?”

“Get to the elevator!”

“How? They’re everywhere!”

“Williams, clear a path! Alenko mind our three and nine. I’ve got our six! No matter what, just keep pushing forward!”

“Aye-aye!”

Slowly, they inched forward, measuring their steps against the countdown timer for the purge.

“There’s too many!”

“We need a different plan, Commander! Commander?”

Kaiden spared a glance back at Shepard. She had fallen behind them, fighting off a rachni warrior with her bare hands.

“Go! GO!” She shouted.

“No! I’m not leaving you behind!”

“Not an option, Lieutenant!” Her hands started to glow with biotic power.

“I-”

“Williams!”

“Time to go, LT!” Ashley grabbed Kaiden by the neck of his armor and yanked him into the elevator. With forty one seconds left on the neutron purge countdown timer, Kaiden and Ashley watched as Shepard’s entire body pulsed with biotic energy. With a strangled screech, the energy went spiraling from her in a bone crushing wave, sending all the rachni flying into the walls. The blast threw Shepard back toward the open elevator door, where she fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. Kaiden reached out and hauled her into the elevator as Ashley jammed the control panel with her fist.

“I didn’t know you guys could do shit like that!” Ashley said once the purge had gone off and they were certain they were out of the blast zone.

“We can’t. Or, we’re not supposed to be able to. She must have fried her implant.” He pulled Shepard’s unconscious form closer to him.

“Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Very. It can kill us. It’s kind of like a last ditch effort to…”

“To what?”

“We need to get her back to the _Normandy._ Fast.”

Ashley looked the commander over for serious injuries. The only thing she could see was a nose bleed. She shrugged at Kaiden.

 He turned her head to reveal another trickle coming out of her ears. “After what she just did, this could mean that she did serious damage to her brain.”

The trip back to the _Normandy_ was tense and silent. Ashely had radioed ahead to prepare the med bay and had let Kaiden brief the doctor on the situation. By the time they reached the ship, Shepard was regaining consciousness enough that she could press the gauze to her nose and ask what the hell happened. When they tried to have her stand, she collapsed and lost consciousness once again. Kaiden scooped her up, taking care to cradle her head, and took off toward the docks.

In the med bay, Doctor Chakwas stripped her of her armor and laid her on her side. “Well, she certainly fried the amp, but it looks like the implant survived.”

“Will she be alright?” Kaiden asked.

“She got lucky this time. She’ll recover from the damage after a good long rest and a few days of muscle stiffness, but if she ever pulls something like this again I worry she won’t be able to survive the aftermath.”

“What happened? One minute she was fine and the next she was the center of this massive explosion.”

The doctor sighed, “Her biotics have never been terribly stable, even with the implant and she’s prone to substantial overloads like the one you saw. With regular discharges of the excess, she can maintain a close to normal level of buildup. She is an exceptionally powerful biotic; unfortunately, there are no implants that the Alliance will provide that can keep up with her. She’s never been able to use her full strength, for fear of permanently disabling herself.”

“She said something about this the other night, but she never let on that it was this intense.” Kaiden said as he shook his head.

“And why would she? Her father practically disowned her for it, and her mother pretends like it doesn’t exist. Besides that, biotics are already held in suspicion so add in her inability to fully control hers and it all spells trouble, so she keeps an iron lid on it. Anderson didn’t even know.”

So much about the commander made sense now. Kaiden thanked the doctor for her time and sauntered off to stow his gear. He passed on the news that Shepard would be fine to Ashley and the rest in the cargo hold before he returned to his post. His thoughts were completely absorbed by what he had learned about Shepard, both medically and personally. She never spoke much of her family and now he could see why. Sure, his father didn’t truly approve of his biotics either, but he would never walk away from his son over something that was out of his control. This is why she pushed herself so hard, and why she was so uncompromising; she was trying to prove that she wasn’t weak to no one but herself. It was a heartbreaking existence.

 

> **So. That was fun. I broke in front of my goddamn squad, fell to fucking pieces and none of them gave a shit. It was just another one of the crazy commander’s quirks. I didn’t see it back then, but all that bullshit was a big turning point for me. And sometimes I hate every single one of them for not caring that I was different. I wish they would have told me I was a freak and requested a transfer because they didn’t think I was fit for command. But no. They just had to fucking get it. Assholes. Excuse me? Why am I mad they didn’t hate me? Because they all caught me off guard, threw me for a loop and I had no fucking clue how to handle it. I had lived my entire career believing that as soon as someone found out, I would be shit canned and hospitalized and tested. But then it came down to life or death and I chose life; the life of my team and myself over everything else. And it fucking worked. Imagine that. _–Shepard tries to turn her head away from you to cough, a thick wet sounding rattle from deep in her chest-_**


	6. Bad Vibes and Coffee

“How ya doing, Commander?” Joker asked as Shepard approached the cockpit.

“Fine. Tired. Sick of people fucking bugging me. I’m alive and the next person that comes to my room to make sure of it, won’t be.”

“Good to know.”

“I’m hiding up here.”

“Be my guest.”

With a huff, she dropped herself into the copilot chair and kicked her feet up on the console. Turning to her side for an uninterrupted view of the stars, she let them drag her to sleep. Joker looked over to the commander passed out cold next to him. She looked like hell, dark circles under her eyes, sunken cheeks and an unnaturally pale complexion. Some extra sleep would do her some good, he figured.

It was quiet in the cockpit for a long while before Kaiden strolled up. “Hey, Joker.”

“Been a while since you’ve been up here just to say hi.”

“Shepard’s kept me busy.” He leaned against the wall in the walkway and sighed.

“Hey, whose been chauffeuring your sorry asses everywhere?”

“Oh, and thank you so much, Joker.”

“Yeah, yeah. Save it.”

“So what did you think of Noveria?”

“I think I might take my next shore leave there.”

“Very funny.”

“It got pretty crazy planet side, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s one way to describe it.”

“What happened down there, anyway?”

“Shepard overloaded her amp pretty bad. I don’t really know how, I haven’t talked to her since we got back on the ship. She’ll be okay, she just needs some rest.”

“Damn.”

“It was hard to watch. I know what that kind of raw uncontrolled power feels like, and it doesn’t feel good. To just have to stand there while she did that to herself was terrifying. I thought I was watching her die.”

“Well, lucky for us, she’s still around to put her boot up our asses.”

“Yeah, as soon as she feels up to it again. Mind if I sit? I’m still too amped to sleep.”

“Whatever, just don’t go-”

“Who the…Shepard? What’s she doing up here?”

“I tried to warn you. She comes up here from time to time to look at the stars, says she likes it. I really don’t want to be the one to shoo her away so she stays until she’s had her fill. She was just looking for some peace today and no one knows she hides up here.”

“Huh. At least she’s sleeping, I guess. I’ll be right back.” Kaiden disappeared back down the hallway and Joker rolled his eyes skyward.

“You two just need to shack up and get it over with,” he muttered.

Kaiden returned with a blanket and gently covered the Commander with it before taking a seat opposite her. The three sat in sleepy silence for a time before Kaiden bid them goodnight and shambled off to his bed. Joker would maintain his position until the next cycle, when it would be his turn for some shut eye. He debated waking Shepard before the rotation came up to help her save face, but he wasn’t sure how she would react to being disturbed. Locked in his internal debate, he didn’t hear the footsteps coming up behind him.

“Is Shepard still up here?”

Joker jumped. “Jesus, Alenko.”

“Sorry. I was trying not to disturb her.”

“Yeah, she’s still sleeping in the corner. What are you doing back up here?”

“I came to relieve you.”

“Like hell. You have no idea how to fly this baby.”

“I’ve been your copilot for how long, Joker?”

“There’s a big difference between copilot and pilot!”

“Okay, then I’ll let you do the honors of waking the commander.”

“Son of a bitch. Fine. I’m putting it on autopilot. Don’t touch anything and if anything changes, wake me up.”

“Yes, Flight Lieutenant.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I. Now, get some rest. You’re getting cranky.”

With one last hard look at Kaiden, Joker relented and vacated his seat. Settling himself in, Kaiden took stock of where everything was at before opening a thermos of military grade coffee and pouring himself a cup.

“Is that coffee?” A groggy voice from his right asked.

“Uh, yeah, it is.”

“You know you’re going to hand some of that over, right?”

“I never pegged you for a coffee drinker, Shepard.”

“Hey, I can’t run on sunshine and butterflies forever. Now gimmee.”

“You could say please.”

“And you could use my first name but you never do, so we’re even.”

Kaiden passed her the thermos and she smiled at the warm liquid. “So, Adaleigh.”

“Hmm?”

“Nothing. I just thought I’d give it a try.”

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Thanks for the coffee. Wait, where’s Joker?”

“Sleeping would be my guess.”

“How did you get him to relinquish control of his baby?”

“He really didn’t want to try to wake you for the rotation.”

“That was wise.”

Kaiden nodded and they lapsed into silence, both sipping coffee.

“So, about Noveria.” Shepard finally said.

“What about it?”

“I shouldn’t have fucked up like that.”

“’To err is human’.”

“Don’t spout quotes at me. I’m serious. What if-”

“What if Ashley hadn’t pulled me back and I ran to you? What if you had died? What if we never cleared the blast zone? What happened, happened. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been so we should just be grateful and move on.”

“So, that’s it, then.”

“That’s it.”

“Well son of a bitch. I think I’m rubbing off on you, Alenko.”

Kaiden looked at her over the rim of his cup and smiled. She raised the thermos in acknowledgement. This was working out quite well, after all.

 

> **I still can’t fucking believe that I fell for that man. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand his appeal, but really, I didn’t want a man in my life. I had enough other shit to worry about, I didn’t need that in the back of my mind, too. And besides, he deserved better than me. No, I’m not selling myself short. I’m stating a goddamn fact. He was a quiet, strong, successful man. He needed someone more stable, someone that would always be home at the end of the day with a warm meal and soft kiss. Not someone like me. I’m a wonderful little walking death wish with a gun and an attitude. How else would I have ended up here? Some bold, brave hearted desire to save the universe? Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not that noble. I just like to see how far I can go before I can’t go anymore. Turns out, that’s pretty fucking far. _–Shepard glances around the wreckage, emphasizing her point-_**
> 
> **So, once Chakwas released me from medical leave, I had to take it easy. In case you haven’t noticed, that’s not my strong suit. But I did try. Key word there is ‘try’. Anyway, I decided to listen to my crew’s bitching and get some shit done. I collected Wrex’s family armor; never pegged him for a sentimental type. Then we hunted down that salarian doctor for Garrus. That was fucking irritating. I wanted so goddamn bad to shoot him, but I needed to teach my crew a lesson first. And I hope that turian appreciates the fucking self-control. We trekked to Luna after that, for Admiral Hackett. I have my suspicions about what was really going on there, but I’m not going to out the people who sign my paychecks to a stranger. After our lunar landing, we dragged our happy asses all over the Armstrong Nebula stopping a geth incursion. I rather enjoyed that. I got to blow up a lot of geth. We found some data on the AIs that I ended up giving to Tali for her pilgrimage. Yeah, yeah, I know I have a fucking soft spot for my crew. Shut up.**

 

“There’s only one place we haven’t looked yet,” Kaiden pointed out.

“I was trying to avoid it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t like it.”

“I’m beginning to think you just hate anywhere the Council sends you.”

Shepard opened her mouth to disagree, then shrugged. “That very well may be a part of it. But it sure as hell ain’t all of it. Virmire just has a bad vibe.”

“A bad vibe, really?”

“Yes, a bad fucking vibe. Haven’t you learned to listen to your gut?”

“As a matter of fact I have, and it tells me to stay away from military grade chili.”

Shepard swatted Kaiden’s arm, “Ass-hat.”

He laughed, “That’s Lieutenant Ass-hat, thank you very much.”

“Oh, for fucks sake.”

“You need to go to Virmire.”

“But the bad vibe…” Shepard pouted.

“Adaleigh.” Kaiden looked down his nose at her.

She groaned, “Fine. We’ll go. But you’re coming with me, and when you figure out I’m right, I get to say I told you so.”

“I can live with that.”


	7. About Virmire

Virmire was a lush, tropical world with miles of beaches and open water. Shepard took a deep breath of the humid air and grinned.

“I could almost take some shore leave here.”

“I could definitely get comfortable in a place like this,” Kaiden agreed.

“Look at that, we’re making progress in finding our vacation spot!”

“Can we please go now?” Wrex griped from the back of the Mako.

“If you insist.”

Shepard gunned the Mako and sped off toward the salarian camp. After disabling a small army of geth, they reached the outpost. And that’s when it all started going to hell in a handbasket. The genophage cure set Wrex off and the commander had to take a moment to calm him down before returning to the salarian captain.

“Wait, I’m sorry, you want to what?” Shepard asked a bit harshly.

“I know it’s not ideal, but I need one of your crew with my team.”

“And why in the hell should I turn one of my people over to you?”

“We need to maintain communications and even out our numbers.”

Shepard exhaled through her nose. “Okay. Fine. Since there’s no way around it, you should have someone who knows Alliance communication protocols.”

No sooner had she finished the statement than Kaiden and Ashley started going off on who was the better choice.

“Can it, you two,” Shepard snapped. “Kirrahe, do you have a preference?”

“No, either one of them will work just fine.”

She was quiet for a minute, thinking things through. “What’s your squad make up?”

“We’re all infiltrators and soldiers.”

“So, you have no one with biotic abilities?”

“No.”

She nodded. “Alright. Kaiden, you’ll go with the STG team. Use your biotics to help them out however possible. Ashley, you’re in charge of the bomb. You can hold out on your own longer than anyone so you better defend it for all it’s worth. Listen to what Kirrahe tells you about arming it.”

The salarian nodded in agreement with her decision. Without a word, he left them to prepare.

“I don’t like this. I’ve gotten used to working with you, with all of you,” Kaiden said.

“It’ll be fine, LT. We’ll see you on the other side.”

“Don’t do anything stupid, Ash. That goes for you, too, Shepard.”

“But that-”

“Ruins half the fun, I know.”

“Don’t worry about us. We’re big girls,” Ashley said. “I’m going to talk to Kirrahe about the nuke.”

Shepard nodded as the other woman left. She turned to the lieutenant, “Take care of yourself, Kaiden. You owe me some shore leave.”

“Aye-aye, ma’am.”

And with that, they parted ways.

 

 

> **Virmire. Fucking Virmire. That whole planet was a shit show. Between Wrex and that damn genophage cure and losing one of my people, I could have nuked that place a thousand times over. It was my job to bring them home, goddamnit! What the hell did you just say? Why am I still so upset about it? Well, for starters, I’m not ‘upset’ I’m fucking furious. If I could have done it my way, we all would have made it back alive. As for the longevity of the anger, well let me ask you something. Have you even sent one of your closest friends to their death? Have you ever had to choose between two people and the one whose name you say will survive? And then, after you made your decision, have you had to agonize over it again and again because the one you killed was going up against the one you loved and there’s that little bit of doubt in your mind about whether or not you were truly unbiased in your assessment of the situation? No? Didn’t think so. Until you have to make that decision, don’t you dare judge me. Ashley Williams was a damn good soldier and deserved better than what happened to her on that planet.**

 

Kaiden knocked on Shepard’s cabin door.

“Go away.”

“It’s me.” He said, trying to get her to let him in.

“That’s nice.”

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

“Please, Adaleigh.”

“No.”

“I just want to talk.”

“I don’t.”

“You can say ‘I told you so’.”

“I won’t waste my breath.”

“Okay, then we don’t have to talk.”

“Good.”

“We can sit in silence and stare at the wall.”

“What’s this ‘we’ shit? You got a mouse in your pocket?”

“Now that you mention it, I do have a mouse in my pocket and he really wants to see you.”

“Fuck you.”

“Well, if it gets you to open the door.”

“Not now. And still no.”

“I’ll wait.”

“Good to know.”

“I didn’t mean…you know what I meant!”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m not going away.”

“Good for you.”

Kaiden sighed and leaned against the wall outside the commander’s room. He knew she wasn’t trying to push him away and he was doing his best to be understanding, but she hadn’t been out of her quarters in ages. Well, he said he would wait, and that’s exactly what he would do. Sliding down the door, he started to nod off as the adrenaline from the mission finally started to recede. After over an hour of silence, Shepard decided to risk sneaking out for a bathroom break and a quick snack. The door slid open and Kaiden fell back into her room.

“What the fuck?!” Shepard side stepped his sprawling form. Kaiden sat up and rubbed the back of his head dazedly. Once she recovered from the shock of her lieutenant flopping onto her bedroom floor, she extended a hand to help him up.

“That can’t be good for your headaches,” she said.

He shrugged. “Got you to let me in, didn’t it?”

“Have you been out there this whole damn time?”

“Well, yeah. I told you I would wait for you.”

Shepard reached up and cupped his face in her hand, “Oh, Kaiden.”

He covered her hand with his and planted a soft kiss on her palm. When he looked back to her, he could only stare. Her expression had softened into one he had never seen on her before. The corners of her mouth were turned up slightly and there no line between her brows from her constant scowl. Her eyes were a bright, clear green with flecks of brown and she looked so young, the years of fighting melting away from the warmth of his affection. He tugged her hand gently and pulled her into his arms, where she curled into his embrace and buried her face in his neck. And they stood there in silence, leaning into each other until Shepard’s stomach gurgled softly.

“Come on,” Kaiden said as he released her, “Let’s get you something to eat.” She allowed him to hold her hand and lead her out into the mess hall.

 

 

> **He was such a smooth fucker. I’d never had anyone wait for me before that. I know it’s a small thing to you, but it wasn’t to me. It was everything, and it was…weird, really fucking weird to know he had stayed there just for me. He was just so soft, so different. He didn’t try to impress with false bravado. And he was so sincere. I guess it was easy to fall for him, now that I think about it. He was a truly wonderful man. I hope he’s okay now… _-Shepard looks away from you, trying to hide the tears that form in her eyes-_**

 

“About Virmire,” Shepard said as she approached him. They had eaten together before she left him to his duties and went to set a course for the Citadel.

“What about it?” Kaiden asked.

“You need to know what really happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“We weren’t the reason I chose you over Ashley. When she activated the bomb, she made my decision for me. I couldn’t risk going back to save her and having the nuke go off on all of us.”

“So I was the safer choice?”

“Not exactly. I mean, a bullet to the head will kill a person just as much as an explosion will,” Shepard sighed and folded her arms in front of her.

“Hey, what’s going on, Adaleigh?” Kaiden said gently. He could tell something was really bothering her.

“I was with my parents on patrol once. I was just old enough to start to get it, but still young enough to be enthused by the prospect. While we out, we saw an old freighter malfunction; there was an explosion that ripped the back end clean off. It was up on the view screen while we raced to help and we could see people falling out of the wreck, burning and dying and suffocating in space. It really freaked me out. Ever since then, I’ve had this fear that I’ll go out like that, feeling my skin charred off my body until the lack of oxygen kills me. It’s so stupid, I know, since the blast from something like the nuke on Virmire would make the death almost instant, but I still couldn’t bring myself to test the theory. Would it have gone off on us? Probably not. But the fact that it _could_ have was enough to keep me away. And knowing you were on the other side of the base with the salarians was all the better. I will never be able to forgive myself for letting my cowardice cost one of my crew her life. So, don’t blame yourself, Kaiden. What’s going on between us wasn’t why I left Ash behind.”

“I see.”

“That’s all you have to say? After I-”

“I can see why something like that would influence you.” Kaiden interrupted her, “And it’s understandable that the influence was negative. You don’t want my pity for your past, so I won’t tell you I’m sorry. But I will say thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me know you, all of you.”

“I don’t think I should say ‘you’re welcome’ in this case.”

“Probably not. But I get it.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Thank fucking god.”

Kaiden chuckled.

“Well, we’ll talk later.”

“I look forward to it.”

Shepard walked off to the med bay and Kaiden couldn’t stop himself from staring at her backside. She waved to the doctor on her way to Liara’s room.

“Hey.” She said by way of greeting.

“Hello, Shepard.”

“So, the protheans.”

“What about them?”

“Tell me about them.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I think it’s about damn time I learned about the people sharing my skull.”

With a nod, Liara launched into an impassioned speech detailing everything she knew about the protheans and their empire. “And, after that, there’s nothing until we discovered the Citadel. It’s not much, considering how long I’ve been looking into it. But, I have to ask, why the sudden interest?”

Shepard shrugged, “I’ve never had a part of my past that I wanted to actively bring into my future. Since Ash died, I realized how much I’m going to miss her and I want to keep her with me. I think that no matter how long it’s been, I’ll always look back for her and what she taught me. I remember when you first came aboard we didn’t see eye to eye and I wanted to try to even it out.”

“That makes a certain kind of sense. Thank you, for reconsidering and for your time, Shepard.”

“Anytime, Liara.” With a smile and a nod, the commander left the med bay once again. She then went into the bowels of the ship to talk with the rest of her crew in an effort to re-center herself. Still feeling heavy hearted, she ambled up to the cockpit. Joker spared a few kind words about Ashley and then let her sit in peace until they reached the Citadel.


	8. Stealing my Ship

> **I fucking hate politicians. Seriously. I ran all over the damn galaxy tracking down a rouge specter and as soon as I have him on the ropes they take all the glory and tell me to get lost. Assholes. Sons of fucking bitches. Every one of them. Thank god for Anderson. If it wasn’t for him, we never would have made it off the Citadel to stop Saren. He hacked the damn ambassador’s computer and we were off before anyone could remove their head from their ass. I did give people the option of leaving instead of joining me in mutiny, but none of them left. Everyone one of them wanted Saren dead just as much as I did and they were willing to fight the powers that be to be the ones to take him down. I had such a damn good crew. Every one of them were loyal and dedicated. I’d give anything to give them their lives back. _–Shepard doesn’t try to hide the bitterness in her voice or the lines of regret on her face-_**

 

Shepard sat in her quarters mulling over the events that had led her to mutiny and treason. She didn’t regret the decision, only hoped her loyal crew wouldn’t suffer for it. If it all went sideways, maybe she could talk them free of it, or bargain them out of it. She was a specter after all; that had to count for something.

The door to her room hissed open. “Commander?” Kaiden said rather boldly.

“Yeah, I don’t really think I deserve that title anymore. Or the uniform that comes with it,” she responded bitterly.

“That’s a hell of a thing we did. We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we could keep it. So, what happens if this doesn’t work out? We stole a prototype warship and defied direct orders from the Council and from our superiors. And we’re supposed to be the shining example of humanity’s best and brightest.”

“Ain’t that the fucking truth? I know we’re doing the right thing. No one else can understand it because no one else has seen what we’ve seen. But it’s what needs to be done and we’re the only ones who can do it.”

“I know, and if I didn’t think we were actually doing the right thing, I wouldn’t be here. It’ll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos, huh?”

“Too bad I won’t be around to see the looks on their smug faces.”

Kaiden shook his head and smirked at the thought. His expression sobered quickly, “If things don’t go the way we want them to, I just want you know that I’ve enjoyed serving under you.”

“Kaiden, you haven’t been my subordinate in a long time. Act like it.”

“Battlefield flirting is one thing, but there are regs-”

“You’re worried about _that_ after we stole my ship?”

“Your ship?”

“Well, it is now.”

“You know what? You’re right.”

“About my ship?”

“Well, yes, but about everything else. I can’t stand the thought of losing you. No matter what, the galaxy will just keep going. But _we_ are important right now.”

“Stay with me tonight, Kaiden.”

“Is that an order?”

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Kaiden, you make me feel like I could take on the universe. And right now, I kinda have to.”

“This can’t change anything. This is a damn good crew-”

“I know. They’re a bunch of loyal and hardworking fuckers and I’d do anything for them. This won’t change that.”

He searched her face, considering. Then, with little warning, he pulled her to him and pressed his lips to hers. She responded in kind, pushing herself closer to him. He slid his hands under her uniform, feeling the smooth skin of her back and his heart raced. She pulled his shirt over his head and kissed his chest as she pulled him back toward her bunk. Her shirt didn’t stay on much longer and neither did their pants. Kaiden admired Adaleigh’s naked toned form while he still had the presence of mind to do so. She was standing at the foot of the bed, having just finished removing the remainder of her clothes. Crawling up the bed, she skimmed her breasts along the length of his body, relishing in the feel of him. She loved this man, in a way she never thought she could love another person and tonight, she was going to make sure he knew it. Adaleigh planted a soft kiss on his lips. He rolled her to her back and pulled her hair free of its bun. It fell in raven waves over the pillows under her head. Looking down at her, Kaiden could see the passion in her eyes, the unwavering devotion she felt for him and that’s when he realized that he loved her almost as much as she loved him. He buried his face in her neck, inhaling her sweet scent, a mix of spent eezo and sandalwood and sweat. She bit his shoulder as he rolled his hips forward and he twitched at the sensation. He felt her grin against his skin. His next thrust was sharper, eliciting a moan of pleasure from Adaleigh. She matched each motion he made with one of her own and they continued a slow, sensual build until finally she reached her peak and came crashing down, his name a mantra as the pleasure engulfed her. He continued light, teasing strokes, drawing out her climax before reaching his own, her name a breathless prayer on his lips. They lay together, their passions cooled for the moment. Adaleigh intertwined her legs with his and let her fingers draw feather light figure eights on his chest. Kaiden ran his fingers through her hair and held her close. They laid in contented silence until her fingers followed his happy trail south. Their love making lasted well into the night, until they both fell in a heap, thoroughly exhausted. They slept tangled up in each other, sharing body heat and breadth until Shepard’s internal clock woke her and she gently extracted herself from his embrace to dress for the mission.


	9. Chapter 9

> **Ilos was…not bad. I rather enjoyed being the first human to see it, and the only woman since. Kaiden went with me, and so did Liara. Back then, I didn’t think she was worth a shit in a fight, but I couldn’t leave her behind when her life’s work was studying protheans. She had one hell of a time exploring that place. Kaiden was just quietly awestruck. I think he was still hung up on the night before in my cabin to fully appreciate the impact of where we were. But being there, in the ruins of the most advanced organic race to date, and knowing that the very things I was trying to fight wiped them out in no time, made me uneasy. Very fucking uneasy. If these machines could destroy such a highly evolved race, what in the blue hell was I supposed to do against them? The answer was not a damn thing more than I already was, but I didn’t know that at the time. That planet made me feel so small, so against the odds. I didn’t like it, or how empty it was. It was so lifeless and thinking that some of the most prominent buildings and locations that I knew could end up like this, nothing but a rundown window into the past for some future being to look through, scared me. So I did what any self-respecting person would do in that situation; turned my fear into anger and took it out on the multitudes of synthetic jackasses our friend Saren left behind. Talking to Vigil was something I’ll never forget. The regret that machine had for killing off the people it wanted to protect was almost human. But it did what it was programmed to do, that’s all. And then we found the conduit. Hot damn was that fun. I’d do that again anytime. But the landing needed some work. My poor Mako…**

 

Shepard shattered the glass wall of the elevator and peered over the edge. Her sharp intake of air echoed through their comms.

“You okay, Shepard?”

“That’s a long fucking way down.”

“I never thought you would have a fear of heights, Commander.”

“It’s not the height that I’m worried about,” she said as she stepped out and felt her magnetic boots grip the wall, “It’s the lack of gravity. I was only stating a fact about the distance between us and the floor.”

Kaiden walked closer than usual to her until they reached the level where the artificial gravity was working properly. He remembered her fear of dying in space and silently tried to comfort her with his presence. Her pace slowed considerably when they were no longer at risk of falling into the abyss, and she rolled her neck after realizing how tense she was. After a small army of geth, which consequently helped alleviate the rest of her stress, they made it to the Council chambers. They dove for cover when Saren tossed a grenade their way and Shepard cursed under her breadth. After composing herself and checking her team, she went on a verbal tirade so intense it actually countered Sovereign’s influence over the turian and in a final act of defiance against his master, he shot himself. Kaiden stood slightly slack jawed at his lovers intimidating charisma.

“What’s the order, Commander?” The edge in Joker’s voice brought his focus back to the matter at hand. He and Liara both voiced their concerns about the options, but he knew their words carried little weight at the moment. Kaiden watched as Shepard’s better nature fought against her renegade persona as precious seconds ticked away. He knew that for all her hard edges, she wouldn’t let people die needlessly, no matter how much they rubbed her the wrong way.

“Son of a fat bitch. Save the jerkoffs.”

Joker snickered, “What was that, Shepard?”

“Save the Council!”

“Aye, aye!”

“They better fucking appreciate this. By the way, someone go make sure he’s dead.” She gestured over her shoulder to where Saren had fallen.

After a gunshot echoed through the room, Kaiden raided in, “He’s dead.”

With a nod, Shepard went back to the control panel. As the firefight raged on out in the stars, the Citadel shook with the force of the explosions. She watched the progress through narrowed eyes until the platform holding her up began to tremble.

“Shit!”

It cracked and gave way, sending her hurtling to the ground below. She barely had time to register that the dead Specter was revving up for round two. The impact dazed her and by the time she recovered, Saren’s implants had fried her pistol and shorted out her biotics. She looked to her squad only to find them in similar straights.

“Oh, hell. Liara, try the assault rifle. Kaiden, use those grenades. I’ll draw his attention! Move, people! The gear will reset in a minute, just keep on him!”

And so it went, they’d fight until robo-Saren sent a blast of red sparks their way and killed their weapons. Then they’d duck and dodge while everything recharged. Shepard’s implant was throbbing, a painful reminder that she hadn’t used it between short outs. With a glance at Kaiden, she could see he was faring worse than she was. His face was pale and strained, and it looked like the pillar had had chosen for cover was the only thing keeping him on his feet. Liara seemed to be holding her own for the moment, but there was no telling how long that would last. She decided that she had to end this, now.

“I’m going in! Time to take this thing down!”

“Shepard, no!” Kaiden yelled, trying to stop her. If she got too close to that thing it would tear her to pieces. Even as he turned to watch her go the room spun and he pressed his hand to his head. Whatever that thing was doing to his implant was making it almost impossible to fight.

Shepard started glowing with biotic power and rushed forward, slamming into the synthetic monster, effectively stunning it. Kaiden and Liara took the opportunity to lay into it mercilessly, peppering it with holes. Shepard was winded from the impact but still managed to get in a couple of good hits before it rounded on her.

“Son of a bitch!” She tried to backpedal but tripped over debris scattered across the floor, dropping her pistol and landing flat on her ass. It picked her up by her throat, just as Saren had done on Virmire, but where that had been hesitation in the turian’s eyes, there were nothing but death in the machine’s optical sensors. Its claws dug into her neck and she tried in vain to kick it away, only to flail helplessly in the air. If she could manage one more biotic hit, maybe she could break free. But it was no use. After her little power charge, she was tapped out, so she did the only thing she could; she reached around her back and grabbed the first gun she could and whipped it out. A shotgun. Alright then. And she fired it again and again and again, until it finally let her fall. Kaiden grabbed her arm and pulled her away as the synthetic dissolved into dust. He held her as close as he could with their armor in the way. She realized she was shaking.

“Why did you do that, Shepard? Why?” The question came out harsher than he intended.

“That thing was fucking hurting you. I had to stop it.” She offered a weak, but sincere, smile.

“Adaleigh…” Kaiden knew her well enough to realize how sweet of gesture it was. She wasn’t one for sweet talk or smooth moves; she was more up front and brutal. If she liked you, you knew it, if she didn’t, everyone else knew it, too. And pain was a part of a soldier’s life, either you could handle it, or you didn’t belong in the core. So, the fact that she had gone out of her way to end his physical torment, not because she thought he couldn’t deal with it, but because she didn’t like seeing him hurt, was touching. He kissed her gently among the broken glass and burning trees, the rubble and debris. Liara smiled at the lovers and silently let them have their moment.

Meanwhile, the fight against Sovereign came to an explosive end, causing the massive reaper to break apart and scatter in all directions. Shepard looked up just in time to see one such large piece falling toward them.

“Fuck. Time to go! Move!” She hauled Kaiden to his feet and shoved him ahead of her. Liara ran after them. When the commander checked their positions, the only one still in the impact zone was the asari, so she slowed enough for her to catch up.

“Go, go, _go_!” When that moment came, she grabbed the other woman’s arm and launched her forward. Liara stumbled into Kaiden and they went rolling to the side as Sovereign’s carcass crashed through the ceiling and into the Council chambers.

Kaiden and Liara lay sprawled under the wreckage, lucky to be alive. Shepard had cleared them of the epicenter, but not of the fallout. Not like it mattered, since she was crushed below the mess. Liara sat up delicately, feeling numerous injuries protest the movement. Kaiden refused to move, the pounding in his head keeping time with his breaking heart. He had lost her, the woman he loved, by a cruel twist of fate. They could hear the rescue crew pulling away the pieces looking for them and he bitterly wished them away, so he could die in peace with Shepard.  But one piece came away and a bright light illuminated the battered pair, mocking him with its hopeful intensity. Anderson pushed past the man who had found them and helped Kaiden to his feet.

“It’s alright, you’re safe now.” He said softly.

A medic was letting Liara lean on him so he could get her out of the crash zone.

“Wait,” Anderson said, “Where’s the commander? Where’s Shepard?” The panic in his voice was evident when she wasn’t with her crew. Kaiden could force himself to say it, so he shook his head and looked to the last place he had seen her, which was now buried under tons of metal. Anderson clenched his jaw and silently began leading Kaiden to the medical transport, away from _her_. Just then, a single echo rang out in the desolation. They all stopped. The sound of armored boots clanking on the pylons was unmistakable. Anderson and Kaiden both stood up straighter to greet Shepard as she bounded to the top of the pile. She smiled down at them, cradling her left arm. Headless of the pain, she limped down the steep slope and over to her crew.

They had made it. And right then, that was all that mattered.

 

> **Looking back now, that was such a small victory compared to what’s happened. But at the time, it was so fucking huge. You would have thought we were gods the way we swaggered out of that damn place. Yeah, we were battered and exhausted and sore, but goddamnit, we had done it! We fucking owned a reaper! I was on cloud fucking nine. I had my ship, my crew, my victory and my love, all in one neat little package. Until I kicked the damn bucket the first time.**


	10. The End

And that, folks is the end of the first installment! Just wait, the next one ("Shore Leave") gets pretty hot and heavy while they enjoy their time off before the commander's inevitable demise. That one is in the works right now. I'm hoping to have it finished here soon so we can keep the ball rolling so to speak. So, until then, thanks for reading! I hope it was worth the time you spent on it! :)


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